A Farewell to Carbs

A 30-something navigating the world of Type 2 Diabetes while remaining fun, fashionable and fabulous.

Coming to terms 02/27/2012

I took a little break from blogging last week because I was struggling so much with staying on track. I didn’t feel like I could sit here and write about what I was doing if I wasn’t actually doing it. Besides, I felt horrible about myself for being weak enough to stop focusing on what I was eating and skipping the gym at the slightest provocation.

Most frustrating for me is that I continued to break promises I’ve made to myself. I wasn’t spending 210 minutes a week at the gym. I wasn’t writing down what I was eating. I wasn’t taking time out to enjoy my meals. I was making my regular rounds of the region’s fast food establishments. Basically, I was right back to where I had started — unhappy and unhealthy and at the end of my rope.

I am the kind of person who goes out of her way to keep promises to others. I hate breaking my word. I have kept plans with friends even when I can’t exactly afford to do so. I have stayed late at work to complete work I promised to my boss.

When it comes to keeping my word to myself, I can rationalize any bad decision. I’ll go to the gym tomorrow. I’ll eat better next week. This is the last time I will eat a triple cheeseburger from Wendy’s.

Here’s the thing: It’s never the last time. Tomorrow will never come. And I have to come to terms with the fact that I am an addict.

I’m not trying to be all dramatic here. And I don’t mean to belittle alcoholics and drug addicts. But I’m addicted to food. I’m addicted to being unhealthy.

It’s killing me, and I don’t care.

But unlike an addiction to alcohol or drugs, how do you avoid food? Even if I can walk right on past the candy aisle at the grocery store, the vending machine at work is calling to me. I buy a bag of almond M&Ms and think … I’ll just eat a couple. I can handle this.

Clearly, I cannot handle it. Even the spectre of kidney dialysis and a possible heart attack hasn’t slowed me down. It’s given me pause. It’s inspired me to eat a little better for a week or two, to make a show of hitting the gym. And then I’m right back to giving in to my addiction.

Apparently, I don’t value myself or my health enough to get serious about getting better. The worst part is that I feel lost and fat and ugly for not doing what seems to come so easily to everyone else. I feel out of control when I have a cabinet full of junk food.

So Tuesday, after another disappointing morning on the Weight Watchers scale, I decided that I need to get serious. I am stronger than food. I value myself enough to want to make the changes I need to make.

I have committed to writing everything I eat down, to sticking to my eating plans and burning some calories at the gym every day. I have committed to focusing on the promised I made myself in January and earlier this month.

It’s too soon to tell whether my work over the past week has paid off. And I can’t guarantee that I won’t head back to all the bad decisions that have gotten me here.

However, I’m trying hard to remember that I need to value myself as much as I value my work and my friends. Otherwise, I won’t be around to keep any promises to anyone.


3 Responses to “Coming to terms”

  1. emma Says:

    “But unlike an addiction to alcohol or drugs, how do you avoid food?”

    I could have written this sentence myself, a hundred times or more. With help you can give up alcohol or drugs, but how can you just quit food???

    I wish you all the best and will be following your blog to success even as I struggle with my own weight and diabetes issues. Maybe you can make your promises to me and I can make mine to you since we both seem to be able to keep them to others better than to ourselves!! Emma

  2. Melissa Says:

    I can relate to this so well. Do your best, but don’t beat yourself up if you slip up from time to time. AT least you are recognizing your problem now instead of just blindly eating whatever you want and not caring. That has to be a step in the right direction, right?

  3. mcqty Says:

    It brings tears to my eyes to think of someone else out there being in the same boat as I am, that I am not the only one and not alone. I could have written this post about myself. We are so much alike that it’s crazy. I know exactly how you feel and I relate so well to your thinking and mind set. I do all of the same things you mentioned. It is a battle within myself and I make all kinds of excuses. I myself must do better and take better care o myself. I like you are so busy taking care of others that it’s crazy I don’t do the same for myself. I did tell my boss that after 12 years of putting my job first and sacrificing myself for my job that I was going to have to take myself more serious and make my health important. He understood and after all I have gone through the last couple of years, he agreed my health was more important. Not that I won’t work hard, but I won’t sit at my desk running a high fever just because I have to be here for month end to get orders done. Someone else will have to take care of it in that case.

    Best of luck to you friend, wish you lived closer, you could be a good source of support !!

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